im confused about my personality.. i feel that im a person that always go with the flow.. just as long as there won't be any conflict involved.. a risk adverse person.. always concern about how others will judge me based on how i behave or communicate.. & that's why i rather not talk at all sometimes.. afraid that others will be judgemental on my opinions.. sounds stupid.. but im like that.. & that's perhaps thats how i look at others? it's a 2 way thing.. i guess.. also.. i feel i dun make enough effort in my life.. i dun have a real ambition.. can say that.. i live for the sake of living at times.. i know i want this i want that.. but i cant see myself in making the steps to achieve it.. i feel inferior.. keep thinking that i won't be achieving much in my life.. sigh..
it's hard to control when all these personalities have been in me since so long ago.. to change them i need time.. & its tough i must say.. i hate the way i am just to think about it.. all i can do is to keep reminding.. to keep changing.. to the way i want myself to be.. but what if i get tired of changing sometimes......
had stomachache & fever few days back.. didn't really care about it.. thought it was just normal unwell symptoms due to stress.. but it was clearly not.. my gastric was crying for help then i guess..
woke up running to the toilet to vomit yesterday.. after which my limbs went weak.. then diarrhea.. my face was completely pale.. head was spinning.. & then black out.. still i can hear mom & dad calling me.. they tried to drag me to the family clinic.. but i was too weak to walk.. & so my dad piggy-backed me.. all i hear was my mom nagging.....
i was left in the clinic for half an hour.. had an injection.. medicine on the spot.. doctor said that everything was flowing out from me & nothing is going in.. therefore my body is too weak..
bed-ridden for the day.. dreadful day..
2 more weeks to AE & CAT reports!
1 more week to CAT presentation!
but all these are bearable..
as long as im in bliss.. =D
while clearing the pics in my lappy.. found some cute pics i wld like to share...
for this weekend.. i just wanna be alone.. i want to spend this weekend sorting all my thoughts and stuff.. it's very irritating to have lill thoughts here and there popping into my head and had my feelings so mixed up... n also i guess my pms has escalate my depression.. to save my friends from the black face if i were to meet them.. hibernation will be a better choice..
the breakup was actually expected.. the existing prob had been bothering both of us for long.. n both knew that even if we settle now.. there bound to have another same incident coming up.. so it was mutual.. but it was so sudden that i wasn't ready to accept it that fast.. found it so silly to be tearing in front of my friends when they were busying attending to the pukiess.. yup.. the beautiful memories still linger and shadow of us hanging around places keep appearing out of no where.. sometimes bad breakup may be good when it's the hateful stuff of the person you will be thinking of and the total cut off of communication allows one to be over another fast.. a agreeable breakup will only make everything difficult.. i just need time.. i know i will be fine.. with so many friends to care for me.. calling to check if im okay.. making sure that i talk.. asking me out.. i appreciate every single thing u all have done.. bt if i din reply or pick up your calls.. i jus need to be alone for awhile.. =)
while sorting out my thoughts for the past few nights.. ive realised that ive changed.. not over these few nights.. but through these years.. its hard to put them into words.. but experiences through time can really change a person's attitude.. perspective into matters and many more.. is this consider growing up? i cant be sure.. but many encounters have made me disappointed in many stuff when i was so hopeful for and had so much faith in.. n some other areas where i don't really bother have become so important in my life.. whatever is the case.. there's only one lesson i learnt.. there is only oneself to depend on..
